Sometimes, as a couple or family therapist, it can feel like I am swimming upstream while partners and family members are swimming downstream when they are seeing individual therapists. Here is why. The primary goal of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) and Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT) is to help partners and family members safely turn towards one another in times of distress and to work through their problems from the past and present for the rest of their relationship together, rather than turning to an individual or couple therapist when things go wrong. That said, working with a collaborative, supportive, Emotionally Focused Individual Therapist (EFIT) or a relationship-friendly individual therapist while the couple or family is in couples or family therapy can be effective.

Challenges arise when partners and family members undergo concurrent individual therapy alongside ongoing EFT couples therapy. Either or both partners may still turn to their individual therapists for support, rather than taking the risk of turning toward their partner or family member with their concerns.  Instead, what can happen is that each client may have attached to their individual therapist and is turning to them instead.  This means that when a couple or family hits a hard spot, their respective ‘go-to’ for support is someone outside their relationship —not each other or the couple’s/family therapist, who can help them navigate these waters in session.  This leaves the couple in the same place they were when they sought couples therapy, to begin with, and is counterproductive to the EFCT and EFFT process.  Remember, we are working to have the couple or family safely attach and turn to one another rather than their individual therapist.  When one partner inadvertently chooses to connect with their personal therapist over their partner or family member, it is a warning sign that there is still a block that needs to be addressed and worked through.  This is where EFCT and EFFT are more effective because we are working towards creating a safe, compassionate environment for both partners and family members to work through the block and to build safe, secure attachment.  This process may take time to shift because the patterns have been longstanding.  Ultimately, the partners’ family members can work through their differences by understanding their negative cycle and working towards building a safe bridge of connection and secure attachment.

When is it recommended to see an individual therapist? There are some instances where it is recommended for one or both partners to see an individual therapist during ongoing EFCT or EFFT therapy, such as when there are substance abuse/dependence problems, also known as process addictions, that are not managed and can create more distress in the relationship.  Also, major depression with suicidal ideation, as well as difficulty functioning with severe anxiety and highly triggering PTSD symptoms, can be of benefit to the partner doing individual therapy during EFCT and EFFT. 

That said,  depression and anxiety can be reduced through the process of effective EFCT and EFFT, without individual treatment on the side.  Moderate to severe dissociation, as well as delusions and hallucinations, can also necessitate individual therapy during couples counseling.   In these instances, both the individual and couple therapists would need to effectively collaborate and communicate with one another periodically, with the client’s consent of an ROI, to ensure all parties are ‘on the same page’ and working towards ‘similar goals’.

Beyond these exceptions, there are several other concerns one needs to be aware of when continuing individual therapy or pursuing it during ongoing couple and/or family therapy.  There may be profound implications and complications when the individual therapist and the couple therapist are working towards two opposite goals. An example of this conflict occurs when the individual therapist believes it is in the client’s best interest to leave the marriage or relationship, and this belief is explicitly or implicitly shared in individual therapy.  Or even if the individual therapist doesn’t have an expressed opinion, they may be aligned with their individual client who has thoughts of leaving.  Sadly, this desire to go is not being shared in couples therapy, causing the couples or family counseling to stall. This is usually based on a desire to help the individual client, who complains about the other family member, by addressing the issue with the individual therapist. Still, it can lead to an inaccurate perception of the relationship, as they have not worked with the partner or family member and are getting a one-sided, skewed view of the situation.

At the same time, the individual therapist is working with one partner who is on the fence about leaving, and the relationship therapist is working to deepen the relationship and has no idea that one partner is seriously intent on leaving.  This can be highly confusing to the client and may lead to acting out behaviors such as continuing an affair, medicating with substances, or other process addictions, including anger and rage, to manage. The more typical behaviors of withdrawal or escalation are usual ways to cope with distress and exacerbate the negative cycle.  This causes one or both partners not to be fully engaged with the EFT process because they turn to their individual therapist as well as their process addictions.  As stated previously, this causes the EFT therapy to stall and can lead to failure.

I have known some couples who started with a particular couple therapist, but then the couple or family therapist became an individual therapist for one partner because the other partner didn’t feel comfortable with them. This can go on for years, ten years in one case that I am aware of.  The individual client may believe they are working on the relationship without the partner present, which is not individual therapy; it is relationship therapy without the partner, making it ineffective and distorting the therapist’s perspective of the partner. The rare exception to this dynamic working is when an EFIT, Emotionally Focused Individual Therapist, is working from an attachment framework.  Otherwise, most individual therapists hear one side of the relationship, the one with the partner complaining about their non-present partner, and arrive at negatively biased conclusions that drive the marriage further apart, causing the relationship to end in separation or divorce.

Now, let’s say that the withdrawing partner has left the therapy, and the remaining partner decides to continue working with the couple’s therapist, who has now become an individual therapist. There may not be any legal implications here, but there could be some ethical contraindications. The therapist has allowed a couple to transition from the client as a relationship to the client as an individual, which changes the therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist.  Again, this is where Emotionally Focused Therapy is different.  When a couple comes to see me, a certified EFCT and EFFT Therapist, the relationship is my client.  If one of the partners is uncomfortable, I will work with that partner to determine what is getting in the way and do what I can to create comfort and safety.  If a partner decides therapy isn’t what they want, the couples or family therapy is terminated, and referrals are made to other therapists, if that is what is requested.  Why?  Because, should the couple or family decide to return to therapy at CHC at a later time, the couple or family is the client once again, and no significant alliance has developed between one of the partners, which could cause bias and create a rupture in the therapeutic alliance should they both want to be seen again.  Again, as a couple therapist, it is not advisable to go from seeing a couple to seeing one of the partners or family members for an extended period of time.  I do, however, provide several individual sessions to learn more about the relationship with each partner individually, but this is kept in balance.

Suppose an individual therapist is working with one of the partners of a couple who is in ongoing couple therapy. In that case, it is essential that all parties not collude with the individual client against the relationship or other partner by creating ‘secrets’ or biases.  One way to ensure all parties are on this same page is for the couple to sign a ‘release of information form’ and to sign a ‘no secrets agreement’ for the therapists to communicate with the individual therapist to further the relationship, and all be on the same page.

If however, access to the individual therapist by the couple or family therapist for the couple or family is not possible during ongoing couple therapy, the couple therapy may need to be terminated or delayed until all therapists can be on the same page and or the individual client has worked to detached from their individual therapist to safely attach to their partner, which is the primary goal of EFT.

Working together, collaboratively, with an EFCT or EFFT  while seeing an individual therapist, preferably EFIT or a relationship-friendly individual therapist, when warranted, is supportive for the success of the relationship.  At CHC, I want to do all I can to create a healthy, loving connection for you and your relationships.