Providing couples or family therapy, even as a Certified EFT therapist, can be challenging when partners or family members are working concurrently with their own therapists, especially if long-term. While I completely understand the need for a client to receive support and empathy from their individual therapist, here are some of the consequences of this:

1. Collusion, where the individual therapist is challenged to see only their client’s perspectives and behaviors in relation to other relationships they cannot see in their own. This can contribute to the worsening of negative interactional cycles that we are working to shift in couple and family therapy.
2. Different methodologies in which the individual therapist may be more focused on changing behavior than on being attuned, empathetically, to others.  They may also be more likely to work to empower their client to speak up for themselves, which can result in the client talking over their partner or family member, causing them to lose the opportunity to better understand the other side of the bridge and engage empathetically.
3. Different agendas where the couples or family therapist is working to repair ruptures and attachment injuries, while the individual therapist may be more focused on empowering the client to assert their needs. By far the most challenging agenda is when the individual therapist is subtly or overtly recommending separation when the couple is stuck and working hard to repair the wounds or injuries.
4. Triangulation and ‘secret keeping’ can occur when the partner in couples therapy turns to their individual therapist to process their relationship and their couple or family therapy, rather than processing their feelings about their partner or family member in couple or family therapy.  The individual therapist now becomes a secret advocate, steering the couple or family therapy in a direction that is not in keeping with it and can cause it to stall or fail.
5. Advice-giving and homework that are counter to the couple or family therapy process. When the two don’t align, it leads to confusion, frustration, and a lack of progress in relationship therapy.  

Ways to avoid these challenges when in couples/family therapy while seeing an individual therapist:

1. Release of Information (ROI) agreements between the therapists to ensure clarity and similar goals and that we are all on the same page.

2. Reducing the likelihood of triangulation and splitting by creating open lines of communication between therapists to ensure success for all parties.

3. Reducing the likelihood that one or both partners turn to their individual therapists for support, rather than taking the risk of turning toward their partner or family member with their concerns, where they can grow and become strongly attached. 

4. Seeking a relationship-friendly individual therapist who is an Emotionally Focused Individual Therapist and works from an attachment-based framework. 

Working together, collaboratively as an EFCT or EFFT therapist while seeing an individual therapist, preferably EFIT or a relationship-friendly individual therapist, when warranted, is what can be supportive for the success of the relationship.  At CHC, I want to do all I can to foster healthy, loving connections in your relationships, but I need your help, too, so we are all on the same page. To learn more, go here.