The primary goal of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, EFCT, is to help partners safely turn towards one another in times of distress and to work through their problems from the past and present for the rest of their relationship together, rather than turning to an individual or couple therapist when things go wrong. That said, working with a collaborative, supportive, individual, Emotionally Focused Individual Therapist EFIT or a relationship-friendly individual therapist while the couple is in couples therapy can be effective except for some of the following reasons:

Sometimes, challenges occur when partners do concurrent individual therapy while also doing ongoing EFT couples therapy, and each or both partners are still turning to their individual therapists for support rather than taking the risk to turn toward their partner with their concerns.  Instead, what can happen is each partner may have attached to their individual therapist, and is turning to them instead.  This means, when a couple hits a hard spot, their respective ‘go-to’ for support is someone outside their relationship, not each other, or the couple’s therapist who can help them navigate these waters in session.  This leaves the couple in the same place they were when they sought couples therapy, to begin with, and is counterproductive to the EFCT process, as we are working to have the couple safely attach to one another.  When one partner inadvertently chooses to connect with your individual therapist over your partner, this is a warning sign.  This is where Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is more effective because we are working towards creating a safe, compassionate environment for both partners to work towards connection.  This may take a moment to make the shift, but ultimatly,  the couple can work through their differences by understanding their negative cycle and work towards building their bridge of safe connection and secure attachment.

When is it recommended to see an individual therapist? There are some instances where it is recommended for one or both partners to see an individual therapist during ongoing EFT couples therapy such as when there are substance abuse/dependence problems, also known as process addictions that are not managed and create more distress in the relationship.  Also, major depression with suicidal ideation as well as difficulty functioning with severe anxiety and highly triggering PTSD symptoms can be of benefit to the partner doing individual therapy during EFCT.  That said,  depression and anxiety can be reduced through the process of good couple EFT Therapy.  Moderate to severe dissociation, as well as delusions and hallucinations can also necessitate individual therapy during couples counseling.   In these instances, both the individual and couple therapists would need to effectively collaborate and communicate with one another frequently, with the client’s consent, of course, to ensure all parties are ‘on the same page’ and working towards ‘similar goals’.

Beyond these exceptions, there are several other concerns one needs to be aware of when continuing individual therapy or pursing individual therapy during ongoing EFT couple therapy.  There may be serious implications and complications, such as when the individual therapist and the couple therapist are working towards two opposite goals. An example of this conflict occurs is when the individual therapist believes it is in the client’s best interest to leave the marriage or the relationship and this is being explicitly or implicitly shared  in individual therapy.  Or even if the individual therapist doesn’t have an expressed opinion, they may be aligned with the individual client who has thoughts of leaving.  Sadly, this desire to leave is not being shared in couples therapy for long periods, causing the couples counseling to stall. This is usually based on a desire to help the individual partner, who complains of the other partner to the individual therapist but can lead to an inaccurate perception of the relationship as they have not worked with the partner or are getting a one-sided view of the situation.

At the same time, the individual therapist is working with one partner who is on the fence about leaving, and the EFT couples therapist is working to deepen the relationship and has no idea that one partner is seriously intent on leaving.  This can be extremely confusing for the client and may lead to the client acting out by continuing an affair, medicating with substances or other process addictions, withdrawing as a way to cope, or not being fully engaged with the EFT process because they turn to their individual therapist as well as the process addictions.  This again, stalls the couples therapy and or leads to failure.

I have known some couples who started with a particular couple therapist and then the couple therapist became an individual therapist for one of the partners because the other partners didn’t feel comfortable with the therapist. This can go on for years, ten years in one case that I am aware of.  The individual client may believe they are working on the relationship without the partner present, which is not individual therapy, it is relationship therapy, without the partner present and is ineffective. The rare exception to this dynamic working is when an EFIT Individual Therapist is helping from an attachment framework.  Otherwise, most individual therapists hear one side of the relationship, the one with the partner complaining about their non-present partner, and arrive at negatively biased conclusions that drive the marriage further apart, causing the relationship to end in separation or divorce.

Now, let’s say that the withdrawing partner has left the therapy and the remaining partner then decides to work with the couple’s therapist, who has now become an individual therapist. It turns out, there may not be any legal implications here, but there may be some ethical contraindications, because the therapist has allowed a couple to go from the client as a relationship, to the client as an individual, which changes the therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist.  Again, this is where Emotionally Focused Therapy is different.  When a couple comes to see me, a certified EFT Therapist who is also a Marriage and Family Therapist, their relationship is my client.  If one of the partners is uncomfortable, I will work with that partner to determine what is getting in the way and do what I can to create comfort and safety.  If a partner decides therapy isn’t what they want, the couples therapy is terminated and referrals are made to other therapists, if that is what is requested.  Why?  Because, should the couple decide to return to therapy at CHC at a later time, the couple is the client once again and no significant alliance has developed between one of the partners which could cause bias and create a rupture in the therapeutic alliance should they both want to be seen again.  As a couple therapist, it is not advisable to go from seeing a couple, to seeing one of the partners for an extended period of time.  I do however, provide several individual sessions to learn more about the relationship with each partner individually, but this is kept in balance.

If an individual therapist is working with one of the partners of a couple who is in ongoing couple therapy, it is so important that all parties not collude with the individual client against the relationship or other partner by creating ‘secrets’ or biases.  One way to ensure all parties are on this same page is for the couple to sign a ‘release of information form’ and to sign a ‘no secrets agreement’ in order for the therapists to communicate with the individual therapist to further the relationship and all be on the same page.

If however, access to the individual therapist by the couple therapist for one or both partners is not possible during ongoing couple therapy, the couple therapy may need to be terminated or delayed until all therapists are able to be on the same page and or the individual client has worked to detached from their individual therapist in order to safely attach to their partner, which is the primary goal of EFT.

Working together, collaboratively, with an EFT Certified therapist for couples work, while seeing an individual therapist, when warranted,  is imperative for the success of the relationship.  Signed releases with all parties allow for this open collaboration.